Read this or die
My computer is the Nexus of my Universe. And I am not alone. I belong to a pretty strange generation, the name of which I do not know. I know we're not the much talked-about "Gen-Xer's" that Pepsi commercials used to market to using a scantily clad Cindy Crawford. I don't think we're Generation Y, as that name applies to people who followed in the wake of Gen-X and were at the helm of the mighty "dot com" war machine that swept across the globe only a few years ago. No, rather, we are a generation of very diverse people, spawning hit singles about being a "P.I.M.P.;" making out with Madonna; and changing the very definition of punk rock so that it's less about social reform and much more about whining about the girl who broke your heart...all...CD...long. But as different as we all are in this bizarre time, there are certain things that nearly all of us have in common - things that can be applied to just about everyone I know. We're computer junkies - just about every single one of us. Perhaps we're Generation P (for Pentium), or maybe "Generation Dial-Up-Sucks-Bro-You-Soooooooo-Need-To-Get-Broadband." What other Generation would have so readily accepted a slightly goofy nerd who seemed truly as excited as the rest of us when he declared, "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" as their spokesman? And so, I repeat: the computer is the Nexus of my Universe. As strange as it seems, I truly mean that. I spend the better part of my free time in front of this machine. And so does the rest of my generation. We write our papers on it. We download movies and music on it (illegally, I might add, but we're a pretty complacent sort and have excused our piracy.) We spend countless hours playing Snood, voting at "am I hot/ugly/fat/Amish/.com," and some people check AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) profiles and away messages like it's a divine edict of the internet gods. Now that I've painted a rosy picture of my comrades, let me delete that image like so much useless software. As much as I rely on the computer as a source of entertainment, it is also one of constant annoyance. It seems that people will find some way to piss you off, in any medium, and cyber-space is no different. As often as you get assaulted with useless conversation and pointless nonsense in your day-to-day life, this is increased tenfold over the internet. People who have no idea who you are have ZERO problem sending you the most ridiculous shit in the world- but you've come to expect that from the world. What most people have to deal with is far worse: your friends bombarding you with utter internet inanity that is so fucking retarded that it makes you want vomit- then choke on that vomit and hope to die quickly. Or, even better, just be struck dead by some merciful god before the memory of the complete garbage you've just been exposed to is indelibly burned into your immortal soul, guaranteeing that it will continue to lower your IQ in the after-life. I had one such encounter just the other night. Let me set the scene for you... It's roughly 2:00AM, and I'm settled in bed, fitfully trying to force myself to sleep so I could wake up for work at 6:00AM. I hear a sound come from my computer; someone has sent me an Instant Message. As a quick aside, if you're not already aware, us Gen-P'ers never shut off our computers. We don't even sign off AIM, we just come up with clever away messages informing the world what we're doing, quoting song lyrics, or, if you're super-cool like me, you put hysterical and embarrassing things your friends have said in the away message. But where was I? Oh, yeah; I'm in bed, and I have an away message on which clearly informs the world that I have to get up at 6am. However, lo and behold someone decides to be a fucktard and send me an IM anyway. That annoying ringing sound penetrated my haze of almost sleep and disturbed me when I very obviously did not want to be disturbed. Now, maybe I should have disabled the sound, or turned the volume off, and I wouldn't have been bothered. It's possible that I could have done those things, but this is my rant, and therefore I am always right; hence, this person was totally at fault and a fucktard by default. I tried to just ignore it and get to sleep, but I was rankled to say the least. Then I calmed down a little; after all, I surround myself with intelligent, courteous people, and none of my friends would bother me in the middle of the night if it wasn't important, right? I thought, "Maybe it's an emergency. Maybe someone got into an accident, or needs to talk about life and death, or wants me to come over and have sex with them. It has to be something terribly important at 2 in the morning, right? Right?" NO. Instead, my frontal lobe was assaulted with the following Instant Message: "my name is jenna, i am 7 years old i have black hair, red eyes, no ears, and no mouth. i am dead. u must send this message to 15 people within the next 5 minutes or i will appear by your bed tonight and kill you with a knife. If you do something good will happen to you at 12:12 pm Either u will get a call or someone will instant message you and say that they love u. This is not a joke" What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck? You woke me up for that crazy nonsense? It's bad enough that my precious AIM is often used to peddle kiddy porn via IMs from "SuperHot6969," but now it's being used as a replacement for chain letters? I thought people stopped sending those things sometime in 1998, when AOL made the delete button that enticing blue color? And worse, this ridiculous bullshit isn't even original, but is clearly inspired [read: directly ripped off] from the recent movie The Ring: a movie that, I'm not hesitant to say, was GOD AWFUL. Do people really believe in this shit? If you do, you're clearly a moron. This is thoroughly insane. Do you really think it's even remotely possible that some ghost kid is going to show up in your house and stab you because you didn't send enough Instant Messages? You know what? I'll be fair. Let's assume for a second that we live in an alternate reality where this is either possible...or where everyone has an IQ of -6 and we believe it's possible. I'm going to send this only to ONE person, and tell them to only send it to ONE person, and so on. Do you know how many people are on AIM? This could reach well over a thousand people in the span of a few minutes...several thousand within the hour. That bitch can't possibly kill us all in one night; yet, by her own word, she's obligated to do so. How's she going to get to all of us? She's only 7; she can't even drive. And don't even bother me with that Santa Claus crap, because I'm really not quite sure how Santa gets around the world all in one night, but I'm pretty sure it's some sort of Union, the other members of which are the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. This is an elite group to say the least, and I am almost positive they have fairly exacting criteria for entrance and aren't giving out membership cards to every dead 7-year old with a computer. Maybe they all get around using a car service, or possibly Santa's sleigh. Well, where does Jenna fit in this little scheme? "Sorry, fat man; I know it's Christmas, but you can't deliver your toys tonight, I need the sleigh. Some fat kid in Hoboken, New Jersey only sent the IM of Doom to FOURTEEN people, and now I am going to take his soul!" I just don't see Santa going along with that. Keep in mind that it was pretty late and I was truly livid at this point, so I started grasping feebly at straws, hoping to somehow make sense of the prime example of stupidity flashing on my screen. My mind reeling, I began to envision all sorts of crazy scenarios. What if I hadn't woken up and read this? Would I still have died? Do crazy chain IMs apply to people who don't read them? I mean, technically, you either saved my life or condemned me to death by IMing this to me, dear friend, and this is something I'd like to know. If this is going to apply to people with away messages on, I think she should have some sort of affidavit allowing for that. Why the fuck wasn't any of this in the Terms of Service for AIM? I never would have clicked "I Accept" if I had known I might suffer this kind of torment (the idiocy in the IM, not the impending doom). And if it was true that all it takes is an away message to save you from certain doom, well, you're not exactly a frightening demon from the Abyss anymore. Little Jenna really ought to be a little more clear. When you get down to it, showing up in the middle of the night to stab people is one thing, but not being clear about exactly how the whole thing works; well that's just plain bad manners. I contemplated tracking down and calling Jennas mother, but I don't want to wake someone up at 2:08am and say, "hey, listen Mrs. So-and-ho, I'm sorry to wake you up, but your dead kid is using AIM to sentence people to join her in the whorry netherworld. Now, I've never been a mom, so I have no right to lecture you, but I don't mind telling you she's being downright rude about the whole thing. Maybe SOMEONE should have taught her better manners before they let her go off and get killed. Then again, you DID let her die, so you're probably not a very good parent, anyway. Goodnight." Actually, you know what? I think I may call her, after all; she deserves a talking-to. And about Jenna's physical description: how does someone have no mouth? No ears I can see, but no mouth? That's just stupid. Here is a sophisticated mathematical equation explaining why. No food = no life Very complicated, I know. There's no way you can live to be 7 without eating, which would obviously be the case if you had no mouth. Whoever came up with this IM really didn't think things through. I suppose one of two things is possible. First, it is entirely possible that Jenna was born without a mouth, lived out her pitiful seven years being fed through an IV; I think that would piss someone off enough to come back and haunt the internet. The second possibility is that she had a mouth, but it was taken from her at her death by whoever is in charge of that. I suppose, then, that she would HAVE to resort to the internet to do her haunting. I refute both of these theories based solely on the fact that I actually sat there and thought about them for nearly two minutes, and I am fully ashamed of myself for having done so. I finally drifted off to sleep at around 3:30, after having wept bitterly for the future of the world. Double-edged swords abound, dear friends. On the one hand, we live in a marvelous generation of technology. Digital movies, E-Books, and, let's be honest, free porn if you know where to look. But, on the other hand, that same technology will give you an eye-opening kick to the testicles if you don't watch out, and you'll be accosted with rampant stupidity at every turn. What you should do is the following: print this article. If, by some off chance, Jenna actually shows up at your house, give it to her to read. Then she'll read it be forced to accept the validity of my points. While she's reading it, hit her in the head with a brick and go back to sleep. When you wake up the next morning, take every single member of Gen-P off your buddy list, and leave them to their own devices (pun intended.) And, to my friend who sent me the original IM: thanks for sic-ing some crazed adolescent ghost on me in the middle of the night. Real pal. Fucktard. |