Ephedrine interview
Most of you reading Rugged are intelligent enough to realize that ephedrine does not pose significant health risks when used properly. This article might come in handy when you don't feel like delving into a 20-minute diatribe with some thick headed hippie about the recent ephedrine ban, so print out a few copies and hand 'em out. Quick, put the kids to bed and lock the doors. On second thought, you might want to go as far as a full scale re-creation of Mel Gibson’s scene in the movie "Signs" when he boards up all the windows and doors in his house to prevent big green gurgling poison gas excreting aliens from coming in and probing his family. Oh, and grab that anti-terrorism lunch pail full of duct tape and Flintstones vitamins and keep it handy. Why the alarm? Well, for those of you who haven’t heard yet, the once rosy-cheeked mild-tempered central nervous system stimulant by the name of Ephedrine has suddenly become an enraged, merciless killer. What I am wondering is, why the change of heart? It may be too early to speculate, but I have heard rumors that Ephedrine was not coddled enough as a child, causing a latent mental instability that only recently surfaced in a violent lashing out at all those unfortunate enough to cross its path. Funny thing is, Ephedrine has been a well-respected citizen for decades, greatly revered by the Chinese medical community since its conception. The drug was born in Asia in the late 1800's; the offspring of a very proud mother, Ma Huang to be exact. Early on Ephedrine was recognized for only some of its talents, namely being an outstanding sypmathomimetic agent as well as a potent bronchodilator. It wasn't until 1933 that the scientific community caught on to its ability to stimulate the central nervous system at the right dosage (which is one of the main reasons for its popularity today). As some of you already know, a few months ago I was interviewed by Fox News regarding my views on ephedrine and the recent media hype regarding its dangers. To summarize, I stated that ephedrine should be a staple in anyone's diet. Feed it to your kids, your dog, your grandmother, hell your goldfish is a bit more fat and sluggish than it used to be isn't it? No, I kid. That’s just what I wanted to say, but hey, this is America, land of the lemmings. Nobody wants to hear a proponent for ephedrine; it makes such a beautiful scapegoat for all of the world’s ills. Some of you may have noticed that if anyone dies, vomits, has an aneurysm, sneezes, chokes, listens to techno, or takes the Lord’s name in vain and happens to be within 100 yards of a bottle of ephedrine...HELLO F.D.A, we have a law suit on our hands, all available units please report to the crime scene. What I did say in the interview was that while ephedrine may not be for everyone, it can be safe and effective for those persons passing a health history examination. And no, I don't need to know if you've ever sprained your toe or sniffed glue, let's just start with your resting heart rate and blood pressure. If they are within normal ranges, and you are a physically active person not taking any drugs with a potential negative interaction, willing to start at a small dose and titrate your way up based on how well you tolerate the compound, then I have no qualms about recommending ephedrine for mental acuity, performance enhancement, or body-fat loss. Credit Fox News for an unbiased review of the topic-- a rarity in television journalism these days. Recently, I had a chance to turn the tables and have a sit-down interview with Ephedrine, giving it a chance to defend its case and put some downright lies to rest. Here is the interview in its entirety, but I strongly caution you, Ephedrine can be brutally honest at times. MM: First off, should I call you Ephedrine? What do your friends call you? E: You can call me Ephedrine, but I'm also known as Ephedra. Either way, I’ll answer. MM: Let's get down to brass tacks here pal. Why, after all these years, did you all of a sudden decide to start brutally killing everyone around you? E: It's funny how people refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Some people rationalize that if a little of me is good, a lot of me must be really good! Other people just like to blame their irrational measures on me, whether they actually believe I was the cause or not, who knows. Apparently it makes for a good law suit. The FDA is constantly bugging me with ridiculous claims. MM: So what you are saying is that some people don't understand the difference between use and abuse...could you give us some examples? E: Gladly my friend. Let's look at alcohol consumption. People with a low bodyweight, or those with genetic/ethnic predispositions (low hepatic production of alcohol dehydrogenase enzymes) can consume one or two drinks and end up crawling around on their hands and knees singing the Dukes of Hazzard theme song while vomiting out their nose. On the other hand, many people can consume 5-10x that much alcohol and still function normally, or even recite from memory intricate Japanese Haiku- backwards (I've seen it done). These individual differences need to be considered every time you put a drug in your body! My good friend caffeine has an almost identical effect on people as I do, but doesn't seem to be a popular scapegoat. I think it has to do with the corporate backing of Starbucks, I mean those guys have more pull than congress. MM: You mentioned "ridiculous claims." What sort of things have you had to put up with? E: One lady called the FDA and informed them that she had suffered severe injuries after throwing herself from a moving vehicle. The reason for her sudden desire to paint the pavement with her face? Yep, ingestion of Ephedrine, a FULL DAY earlier. Ever heard of a drug's half-life lady? This is the kind of claim being counted as ammo to banish me from the face of the earth. MM: My informants tell me that last November in Boston, MA a 36 year old apparently healthy man looked at you, causing his eyeballs to burn. Is this true? And if not, do you have an alibi, and published research showing that you don't burn peoples eyeballs if they look at you? E: Although I was in Boston on business in November, I can assure you these allegations are false. MM: Fair enough. But tell me, why did you start the war in Iraq? E: Again, not my fault, although I can't prove it. MM: Is there any hope for your legal existence, or are you going to become another tainted black market pill, nobody ever knowing exactly what's in you or how potent you are? E: It's tough to say at this point. While I do have quite a backing for my safety and efficacy, insurance companies are raising rates to astronomical levels for supplement manufacturers that plan on keeping me on their team; to the extent that they can't afford to keep me employed. But like you said, I'll still be around; I just might look a little different and be quite a bit more unpredictable. MM: What demographic has been your biggest opponent? E: Just this Christmas I happened to be at an uncle's place for dinner, when one of his friends decided to voice his displeasure of me. He sat in a lazy boy recliner smoking a cigarette while he told everyone to beware of the dangers I impose, how I am passing out heart attacks all around me like free samples at Sam's Club. He then picked up a couple of aspirin and washed them down with a beer. I would say this sums up my number one nemesis. MM: What would you say to the decision makers if they were willing to talk to you? E: I would tell them about a guy I used to beat up in high school named Nicotine. He hangs out with a bunch of other nasty toxins and wreaks havoc everywhere he goes. Numerous studies have directly linked him and his "delivery vehicle" to various cancers. As soon as he walks in a room, he stinks the place up and poses a health risk to all of those in the immediate vicinity. I would ask the decision makers to explain to me the paradox of how he can be the groundwork for a multi-billion dollar industry, and I am the focus of a national onslaught to protect the fragility of fat lazy people all over the United States. MM: Well, I'd say that about sums it up folks. Thanks again Ephedrine for taking the time to talk to us. Maybe we can do another interview again sometime. E: I'd love to, but unfortunately it might have to be a prison interview, because I'm sure one of us will be behind bars. MM: Probably both of us, bud. Hopefully you don't believe everything the media throws at you, or else pretty soon you might find yourself sporting a full biohazard suit just in case anyone has ephedrine in their pockets. And to think you were worried about S.A.R.S.; get real, Ephedrine eats S.A.R.S. for breakfast. |