Pretty-Boy Abs
Okay. I give up. You win, ladies. You all win. I'm sorry, I should have known all along. You were right and I was wrong, I never should have thought otherwise. I have tried and tried to convince myself and everyone else around me that maybe I was on to something, but in the end, I was wrong. Dead wrong. Finally, I have come to accept that in this world there are very few Absolutes--few things that are genuinely and fully unarguable. So after all my fussing and fighting, I have come to realize one, simple, obvious Universal Truth: chicks dig abs. I know, I know, I'm an idiot, I should have known all along. No matter what I do or say, I simply cannot change it. Women of this day and age will continue to like abs above all else. It's not that I didn't think that women liked abs--I just thought that perhaps other body parts could somehow be equally attractive. After a lot of research, I've found a few things out. Women couldn't care less about the size of your calves. Forearms? Not impressive. Big lats? Great for showing off for the guys, but the ladies yawn and look away. Has a woman ever complemented you on your teres major? I didn't think so. The only thing even remotely comparable to the much-lauded six-pack is a set of big arms, but even they tend to pale in importance when measured against the might midsection. (Note: Before any of you ladies reading this get all uppity and start yelling, "you're generalizing, I'm not like most women!" stop and think for a second. No, you're not like other women. The fact that you're reading this article on Rugged at all sets you apart. Therefore, you are judged by a completely different set of criteria than most women. And, while I wish more women in the world were like you, the fact remains that they are not. For the remainder of this article when I say, "women" I am referring to young, nubile, Abercrombie-wearin', Starbucks-drinkin', mall-goin', MTV-watchin' average college hotties. These are the girls I'm talking about because due to sheer numbers these are the women I'm most likely to encounter and therefore would most like to fornicate with. So, relax. That is all.) Having come to this realization--more like an epiphany, really--I sat down and began to construct my Master Plan. You see, I don't know if you know this about me, but I like sex. Like, a lot. Seriously, it's kind of a problem. So to get more of it, I figure abs are a pretty decent asset to have in your arsenal. I will obviously never give up my desire to have a generally big, well developed physique, come summer time it's all about getting ready to hang out poolside, and chiseled abs are part of that. Being that summer is approaching, this is the perfect time to unleash my ab program on the world. So sit back, relax, and then sit up again. Then sit back - now sit up. GET IT? Bwuahahaha. I apologize again. That wasn't even remotely funny. The Basics Before we begin, there is something that should go without saying that I am going to say anyway. You want a six-pack, and you're willing to work hard to get it. But let me tell you this right now, son: I don't care HOW hard you work your abs-- if you're fat you're stayin' fat and no program of mine or anyone else's design is going to make those abs come out. Simply put, your diet is going to be THE single most important factor in whether or not you should be taking your shirt off in front of the aforementioned girls. At this stage of the game, if you didn't already know that, I have a completely different program in mind for you. It involves taking a pencil and stabbing it through your eyeball, dumbass. Anyway, with that little bit of business out of the way, let's move onto some brief anatomy. Your abdominal cavity is made up of several muscles; that much you know. For the purposes of this training program, we will be focusing on the rectus abdominus, transversus abdominus, and external obliques. All of our exercises will be geared towards targeting one or more of these muscles. As I'm a fan of getting the most bang for your buck, we'll be using very difficult movements which will help not only appearance (although that's our main focus) but also core strength and stability. Pikes, Pikes, Pikes! Pikes are probably one of the most effective yet lest common ab movements around. They happen to be one of my favorite core exercises for a lot of reasons, but the top of that list is sheer effectiveness. Pikes, more than any other movement, put the greatest onus on all the abdominal muscles, with a bit of a focus on the rectus. Unlike so many crunch variations, pikes also help to increase stability. The pike will be the mainstay of this routine, and each day will be started off with one of the pike variations that we've got. So, basically, every workout is going to be equally hard and painful. And make you hate me equally. So, here are the pikes. Lying Pike Also called a Dragon Flag, this is a movement that will help strengthen the entire core, as well as make you feel like a hardcore badass. The Lying Pike is performed on a bench. Lay down so that your legs and most of your booty hang off the edge, and secure yourself by holding onto the bench with your hands. Raise your legs with a slight bend in yours knees (the bend helps keep the hip flexors from firing) up until your feet face the ceiling and your body forms a right angle. Then raise your ass and lower back off the bench and straighten your legs; hold this position for at least 3-5 seconds. Then slowly lower your legs back to the starting position.   Hanging Pike Ah, the dreaded hanging pike. This is probably one of the most difficult exercises in the world to execute properly, which I guess is kinda good, because some dark side of me gets a huge amount of sick amusement from watching people completely mess it up. If you can do it correctly, and for multiple reps, you can strut around your gym with my approval, because that's what I do and the ladies love it. To do this, hang from a pull-up bar with your feet pointing straight down. Then, begin to bring your legs up and allow for a very slight bend in the knee. Continue to raise your legs without swinging (here's where most people mess up) until your feet touch the bar. Slowly lower your legs back to the starting position.   Rolling Pike Another rarely performed variation, the Rolling Pike requires a little bit of equipment. Either pick of one of those ab-wheel-roller-do-hickeys, or just load up a bar with 10 or 25 pound plates. Get down on the floor holding the roller or bar at arms length, fully extended. Get into an almost push-up position, with your toes on the ground and your body fully suspended. Now flex the abs and roll back, bringing the apparatus towards your feet. Flexibility may be a limiting factor, but try to touch your toes with the bar or roller. Slowly return to the starting position.   Oblique Critique Something that should be pretty obvious to you is that merely having visible rectus does not a nice mid-section make. I have noticed that many people who focus on their abs tend to leave out a lot of work for the obliques, which is certainly not optimal. The following exercises are both useful and easy to master, and will help correct any imbalances you might have. Full-Contact Twist This is an old-skool exercise of which most people in the know are very respectful. The Full Contact Twist is not only great for helping build well developed obliques that make all the teenaged hotties wonder if you're an underwear model, but also has tremendous carryover to sports that rely on any sort of rotational strength. To perform the FCT, as we strength coach types like to call it, get yourself an Olympic bar and place one end of it in a corner, and grab on to the other end with a mixed grip, one hand on top of the other. You'll start facing away from the wall, and twist using just your torso and hips, steadily applying pressure to the bar with your arms. Continue the turn until you are squared up to the wall. Slowly return to the starting position. Hanging Oblique Crunch The Hanging Oblique Crunch is pretty much what it sounds like. Hang onto a pull-up bar or use some of those fancy ab-straps to hang from the bar. Bend your knees and then bring your legs up to the side of your body, focusing on using your oblique to perform the movement. Slowly return to the starting position.   Insider Training Probably the most neglected muscle in the body is the transversus abdominus, the deep muscle of the abdominal cavity that is just behind the rectus. Since the muscle is deep and you can't see it, people just tend to forget about it and do no training for this muscle. NOT SMART, FOOOOOOOL. Completely ignoring training for the TA is just begging to create an abdominal muscle imbalance that will leave you with a bulging belly no matter how lean you are. This is because the RAis partially attached to the TA; if your rectus is overly developed (comparatively speaking), then the transversus will not be able to support it, creating somewhat of a 'sagging' look. To ensure that this does not occur, the following exercises will make guarantee that your TA is strong and well developed. Not only will this greatly increase your chances at hooking up with MILFs, but it will also make you strong and stable, which will have carryover to both the squat and the deadlift. Plank The plank is an interesting movement, partially because it looks so much easier than it really is. I have a lot of my clients perform planks as part of their ab training, after which they stand up red faced and out of breath. The superstar college boys at the gym snicker and mutter "wuss" only to sneak off into a corner and try a plank, collapsing after only a few seconds. Wuss. Get on the floor in push up position, with one notable exception: place your forearms flush against the floor, as this will move your torso into a more horizontal position and give you a more supportive base. While holding yourself in that position, pull your belly button in towards your spine, very slightly. You're not trying to suck in your gut, just get the TA to fire by performing a very mild vacuum. Now flex your abs and support yourself for as long as the set calls for. Be sure to remain in a fixed position, and not to let your ass get too low or too high. Six Inches Six Inches is not just a measurement of the average penis size, despite what you may think. It is an exercise with a rich history. I am convinced that this movement dates back to ancient Greece, probably originating in the militaristic city-state of Sparta. It was the Spartans who discovered that if you were lean enough, you could see your abs and look totally bad-ass while you fought hydras other mythological beasts. From the Spartans on down, Six Inches became widely feared, and was used as a torture method in Eastern Europe in the late medieval period. Eventually, this terribly painful exercise somehow found its way into high school sports, which is where I picked it up, and I curse the day I ever walked onto that field. But enough history. Here is the movement. Lie flat on your back and put your hands, palms down, underneath your ass. Now perform a mild vacuum and raise your legs until your feet are six inches off the ground. Hold for as long as the set calls for, and slowly return to the starting position. Be absolutely certain that your transversus abdominus fires first - you can do this by keeping one hand on your belly, feeling your rectus, and focusing on keeping the RA unflexed and feeling the contraction inside. If this is impossible for you, it may be an issue with excessively tight hip flexors, and stretching may help to alleviate the problem.  Power Breathing Power Breathing is a highly effective training method with a myriad of benefits and uses. It is so beneficial that fully describing the effects it has on your training or the advantages of performing PBing go far beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say that because of the physiological effects of maximal dynamic contraction of the TA, you will get stronger and more stable. On top of that, the maximal isometric contraction of the rectus abdominus leads to vastly improved definition in your midsection. That said, here are the basics, which is more than enough to get you going. Essentially, Power Breathing can be summed up by saying it is the method of forcefully breathing through resistance. The source of that resistance can be applied by your own mouth, or from other sources, like water, tubing, and a multitude of others. Here is the way to do it: take a deep breath into your abdomen. Place your tongue along the ridge in your mouth just behind your teeth. Next, flex your abs and your glutes, and contract your rectal sphincter; then exhale forcefully through the 'blockage' created by your tongue and teeth; you should hear a noise that sounds like, "hsssst." You should feel a contraction internally, and if your deep abdominal muscles are relatively untrained, it will not belong before a burning sensation sets in. Continue to exhale until all of the air is expelled. Time to Get Sexy Now that we've covered the exercises, we can get to to the business of actually doing them. The program is divided into three separate sessions, during which you will perform a pike variation, and oblique exercise, and finally something for the transversus abdominus. Because I subscribe to the school of thought that maintains that due to their high concentration of fast-twich fibers, abs should be trained with relatively heavy weight and lower reps. Translation: this is gonna hurt. Training Session A Hanging Pike Sets: 6 Reps: 3-5 Note: if you are unable perform pikes for the entire set, you may switch to hanging leg raises and eventually hanging knee raises as you begin to tire. Full Contact Twist Sets: 4 (per side) Reps: 8-12 Plank Sets: 3 Duration: 60 seconds or failure, whichever comes first. Add weight if you can hold for more than 60 seconds. Training Session B Rolling Pike Sets: 12 Reps: 1-2 Note: This is an incredibly difficult exercise, and it is crucial to maintain proper form and a VERY slow tempo; hence the incredibly low reps. You may perform a kneeling variation if the standing is too difficult. Hanging Oblique Crunch Sets: 3 (per side) Reps: 10-15 Note: You may either alternate crunching to the left and right during the set, or do a full set of left, then right, etc. Power Breathing Sets/Reps/Duration: 6x6x6 Note: This is six sets of six breaths, each lasting six seconds. It is advisable to perform this workout either after your deadlift sessions, or no less than two days prior to deadlifting. Training Session C Lying Pike Sets: 5 Reps: 6-8 Note: Be sure to keep a very slow eccentric. Full Contact Twist Sets: 8 (per side) Reps: 4 Six Inches Sets: 5 Duration: 60 seconds or until failure. Frequency and Setup The sessions are to be done with a frequency of two each week, roughly every fourth day; so the first week would be session A and B, while week two would be C and A, three would be B and C, etc., etc. ad infinitum. As far as how to work these into your training schedule, you can perform these workouts either before or after your other bodyparts. The only thing you really need to worry about is proximity to deadlifting sessions. It is perfectly acceptable and equally effective to switch the movements around, just be sure to include one exercise of each "type." You So Pretty! I know many of you out there--much like myself--often make fun of guys who focus obsessively on their abs. As well you should, because that's totally gay. Unless you're doing it to get chicks, in which case it's super sweet. In any event, while most skinny guys with good abs don't know the first thing about training and nutrition, they obviously got a handle on the knowledge of what women find attractive a lot sooner than I did, so kudos to them. So take a page from the pretty boys, my friends. With this program you will be able to develop strength and stability of your core, which is the topping on the cake of extreme sexiness. Just remember: no matter how nice your abs are, you'll still never be as pretty as McDougal. |